If expectation is “the strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future;” Christmas expectations are the culmination of the efforts placed in getting ready to celebrate the holidays together as family.
Today is Christmas Eve. My family fought so hard to get my cancer complications settled in time to hold onto each other closer, we almost failed to.
The issue with cancer is this; cancer sucks so hard, you resent every provider that tries to tell you that pain is no longer a vital sign.
My pain resulted in seizures that were new to me and new to my family’s experience. As a former nurse, seizure is not new to me, as a professional. The profession I took voluntarily, my family had to step into against their will.
Manufacturing isn’t nursing. Universities teaching English, even in an honors program; they don’t prepare you for the outfall from nerve blocks needed to free you from weird childhood and cancer shit.
I received a series of nerve blocks after a devastating accident I had on January 6, 2023.
Two days before my 44th birthday, my own pit bull, I WORSHIP now and rub pain out of for hours a day, ran me head-first into a tree.
I slammed the earth so hard after I passed out, I rolled my entire spine on the ground, creating swelling that would plague me for two years.
My family celebrates anniversaries so hard. Every day of importance, I thought I knew about before cancer. Birthdays, anniversaries, move-in dates, dates of graduation of our kids, and all the normal calendar highlights; I know them still.

I remember nothing now. I have a severe neurological issue right now. I feel so shaky, I passed as anxious in my sleep. I looked guarded, with my arms tucked tightly by my sides, making my autism look extra t-Rex-ed. I felt more vulnerable than I even looked.
After I hit the tree, a surgery I’d grow to resent, Gastric bypass, seemed to keep working past my desire to lose more weight.

I was a size 4 and 138 lbs and felt awesome. I started chemo at 113 lbs and in a children’s clothing size 10-12. I was still shrinking, as of last week.
I felt awesome for a minute and then felt so badly, I begged my NP to take me seriously as a tiny former-RN, they once clearly valued as a former peer. I now felt as invisible as I felt.
Leaving that practice was what saved my life, and even that was against my will. Nothing has been predictable since well before cancer diagnosis. I expected Get Well cards.
The cards I received, I asked for and they were few. Those felt so icky because I asked. I later told a friend, Doc, that I was so lonely being misunderstood on a platform we both used, and I couldn’t tell jokes very easily anymore.

When I stopped being funny on an app, a friend in another state noticed, they started texting me dad jokes and had their friends send a card to make me smile.
I expected cards from friends and family, but received encouragement from strangers who felt encouraged by me, somehow.
I expected that telling loved ones that I was so hurt, nothing could matter but me right now and if I’d feel better, I’d need a hand in doing so. I asked for my kiddo, when asking for me was not effective.
Yesterday, unexpectedly, my family decided nothing more mattered than me. We danced after telling me to rest all day for preparations.

We sang with voices so scratchy, we all sounded as tone deaf as my husband does, naturally. We saw animals come to life and laughter return to our home.
I didn’t expect my dog to wake me up with neck spasms because she’d overdone it. I also didn’t expect to feel so much better that I’d actually accepted a massage from my daughter, as she expected to give me.
I am healing now, slowly. I also have burst of muscle spasms that release and I can move easier than I could the day before. The tension always comes before the release.
This is amazing to me, since my pain lowering, lowers the tension of the house.
For almost 15 months since diagnosis, and almost two years since my tree injury; my family has had to move on a dime. It is now routine emergency. It sucks and is no way to live, especially happily.
My husband stays calm and my kid runs around packing a bag with our critical items like Powerade Zero & phone chargers and meds since I’ll be in the emergency room so long, I definitely won’t be home to take anything scheduled for pain or seizure.
Eggshells are walked on as my actual nervous system was rocked to the core. I do vagus nerve resets just to move my thumb. Every joint has been impacted since the tree impacted my head. I move like the Scarecrow when I once moved like the Tin Man.
Hypermobile joints are returning and so is the expectation of Christmas. The expectation I have involves gifts we know about in an open Amazon box because we have no energy or ability to wrap a gift.
I used to have both and my “energy” changed when I stopped fearing seizures and learned the trick to stopping them before they start. Talk about tension.
My neck tension was holding up my head, not neck strength. No home can have Christmas in tension, but my family has always had holidays together in strength and expectation of another.
Merry Christmas and because every human is valued in the kingdom of Buttercup, Happy Holidays.









