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Love me past me
I’ll fail you. Love her anyway.
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Some of my worst parts
When I’m hurt or disappointed by someone, some part of me seeks to feed the hurt. I become a magnet, seeking out opportunities to be more offended.
Often times, I start to look for others to hurt me then, as well. I don’t know if it’s technically projection that causes me to lash out on third parties. Whatever it is, it’s some ugly quality in me I need to murder.
I sometimes hit the wrong targets with the intensity another person should receive. I lash out incorrectly. A small offense can be met with a tongue lashing no one involved deserves.
Today I said, “I feel like I’m mocking being a queen. Meanwhile, small requests make me feel like everyone thinks I’m a princess.”
Today’s my birthday and I’m not a big fan of myself today. I’m bruised. I’m isolated. I’m very unhappy in this moment. This is my truth, but tomorrow is amazing because it isn’t today. I know feelings aren’t truth.
My feelings lie. I should have known my feelings, today, were unreliable.
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Peavey Cat
Peavey 2002 – 2022 Peavey
She was named Pansy, but she was no flower. Peavey is my amplifier.
She truly believed she was a dog; she owned them. She made them wait patiently for her to eat their food before she let them dine.
She groomed us with sandpaper butterfly kisses. The cat who groomed, groomed with the affection of a dog.
She held her head high until her sister arrived to carry it. Her final days waited only for her two girls to be together to send her off to guard us.
Her mother rose because she could. Her mother is so grateful.
As she passed, with each exhaled rattle, “I love you met her ears.” Each one. For hours.
The reindeer pillow that felt her chin, now becomes a symbol of a cat, the myth, the legend; Peavey.
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My loves
Today, was difficult. Tomorrow, we rise. Thank you for the gift of you. I value, treasure, and guard you. Hold me close. Your queen’s crown often tilts and shatters. I need you.
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The Christmas Train
I remember being a tiny human in the mall and being SO excited to feel the cotton under my feet when the month of December arose and we frequented the MALL.
I’d get to the one area of the mall near some elevators, see the line of children in puffy coats. It always seemed like they had a white picket fence.
I could see and hear Santa, and not be allowed to sit near him. It was Jesus or nothing. That story is for another day.
I never got excited by the train, but when I fit on the seat with my brother, it was amazing. Everything with him was amazing because he was my joy.
Most of my ability to adapt as a kid later on was because of my need to ride that train with him. It turns out, I’m quite sensitive to motion and eventually roller coasters would be torture. Eventually the opening roller coaster in the AMC movie theater preview would make me have to close my eyes.
It progressively got harder to ride that Christmas train. This year, I feel very alone and some of it is by choice. Some is by necessity. All of “it” misses Christmas.
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Dear Everyone…
I’ve been praying and trying to think of how to express myself.
I feel that if I were in an automobile accident, if you saw me in a wheelchair, you’d rise for her. You’d never let her not have water or love.
I need you to understand my mind. My mind, since we have met, experienced some massive trauma like an automobile accident in my brain.
I’m asking you to see me sitting, and desire to make her feel as though she isn’t resting, but never sat down.
I’m not all choices. Not all of me is intentional or hurtful. Part of your frustrations with me wont be you. Apparently it’s difficult to interact with me because I have a difficult time reading you. This is me. This is my disability.
I’m asking you to love the complicated person who needs to rise to exist in HER special way, not yours, to love me in my languages and tones.
I can’t explain if I’m even valuable or worth investing in, but I won’t lie to you. I won’t be better or worse because you’re unwilling. I’ll just shrink. And I want to RISE.
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Take a RISK
Hey, it’s Christmas time. Yes, you; I’m talking to you. If you don’t have family nearby or if you are feeling alone, know that you are not alone.
There are people wearing masks and the masks are so well painted that one rarely gets to see underneath. Something I’ve learned by talking to thousands and thousands of people, is that the ache inside of you and the need for connection is universal. You’re unique, but not here.
If you start speaking to folks from the common universal needs, or even Maslow’s Hierarchy, you’ll hear how alike we are. We want the same thing.
Assume that you can take a risk with feeling lonely and will feel accepted. Tell a safe person that you’d like to be invited somewhere or that you’re feeling isolated. Occasionally, expressing your needs helps both you, and the person able to bless you with kindness. Do not deny loved ones the opportunity to love you. Some beg for opportunities.
“Loved ones,” may feel hurtful to hear, but “loved ones,” are ever changing. Find new loves if, “loved ones” is too sorrowful. It’s okay to find happy, even if it’s very difficult and very different. ♥️
Take a risk. I’m proud of you for trying “different.”
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Grace
Grace From the Latin “gratus,” meaning, “pleasing or thankful.”
Defined as: “simple elegance, being courteous, or having good will,” when used as a noun, “grace” sounds delicate and dainty. Grace Kelly even comes to mind, which is just so fitting! The Greek mythological goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia, and Euphrosyne were worshiped for being the embodiment of grace and beauty.
Defined as a verb, “grace,” means to “do honor or credit to the person.” I graced my profession as a nurse for a dozen years. Oddly, just typing that makes me feel a certain hardness inside, so this definition of “grace,” feels like a bur under my saddle. I rarely see myself as graceful, especially when it comes to verb definitions.
If you ask most spiritual humans about grace, however, the definition feels so utterly comforting that you don’t desire to be graceful because of beauty or credit. In theology, grace is “spontaneous and UNMERITED” so one can’t really EARN grace from God.
When I think of the grace of God, I often forget that He knew damn well that I’d never be able to earn His unmerited favor on my own, so He sorted that part out for me. I remember God’s past unearned love bombs all the time. I often REMEMBER the past. Grace isn’t simply past tense with God, though. God will continue to see me with kindness and unearned benevolence, because I never earned it, in the first place.
Okay, so if God sees me as painfully and guttingly flawed, sarcastic, and jaded; why can’t *I* be graceful with myself??? Wait, I just figured out why. Did you see my own adjectives I used when I described myself? Those adjectives become our internal monologues and narratives.
To be graceful with one’s self, one must:
- Admit you’re utterly flawed and always have been. Drop the ego. You suck, too.
- Forgive yourself on a daily basis, if needed, for poor judgment, selfishness, and naivety.
- Refuse to compare yourself to another person. Even if the person you constantly compare yourself against is who you USED to be; don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t hold yourself to former expectations that no longer match your job description or title. It’s old information. Move on. Don’t use someone else to feel your own worth.
- Be merciful to others, as often as you can without losing your ability to be merciful to yourself. Being kind makes you kind. That’s the secret.
- Repeat.
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An early Santa sighting …
Santa
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Queen Buttercup Speaks 