“She must be attention seeking, a liar, has the luck of Lot, or is really sick and not lied once about struggling before cancer became king.”

Some days, I physically feel pain when I speak. The videos I make are some of my only ways to communicate. I get picked on for that. It’s all I’ve got left so …

Specialists initially suspected Relapsing Polychondritis because I was so sick, had trachea involvement and my voice box was being crushed.

I also had ear changes.

Whatever is below cancer in the hierarchy is the thing causing me agony physically. The past few weeks make it hard to do absolutely anything and I’m barely speaking at home. It literally hurts.

The deep tissue and muscles in my neck at C3 had an injury. Scar tissue grew. It’s connecting my skin to the muscles and the muscles to the trachea rings. It’s a spider web of hell inside my body.

I also have to figure out what radiation looks like for me and see what my insurance company thinks my life is worth to save them money. Cigna told to expect an immediate denial even though I have a birth defect that makes Proton Radiation my best option to leave my heart and lung alone. It’s terrifying.

Right now, I live in either totally numb inside to moments of fear or panic. PRN Valium was handed to me with my diagnosis. I didn’t know how right my doctor was that day.

Cancer leaves a fear you cannot rationalize because it’s all new and has 1,000 variables. Add pain to that level of momentary fear and I feel like I’m losing the best part of myself.

I love in acts of service and currently, I can’t buckle my dog’s leash or fight this brain fog and lethargy that no amount of sleep improves.

I’m a fearful fog who others call brave because they’ve either seen it, had it, feared it, or don’t know what else to say.

Some days, I can’t meal plan. Some days, the 130 miles my husband drives to and from work leave him spent and foraging has become routine.

Believe me when I say nutrition matters. We’re trying.

We are walking around grateful for everything and struggling with weirdly normal things like if I’ll have the energy to drive to a store let alone treatment for breast cancer 63 miles north of me.

I am a cowardly, brave person solely because I won’t quit. I have tapped out needing breaks because I have battled some of the most life altering events one can imagine in a short time period. I’ve regretted most times I’ve quit.

Once I’m in remission, the battle I have been fighting since January will still continue. I’m more complicated than cancer.

Sorry if this sounds whiny. It’s because I’m whining.