I remember being a tiny human in the mall and being SO excited to feel the cotton under my feet when the month of December arose and we frequented the MALL.

I’d get to the one area of the mall near some elevators, see the line of children in puffy coats. It always seemed like they had a white picket fence.

I could see and hear Santa, and not be allowed to sit near him. It was Jesus or nothing. That story is for another day.

I never got excited by the train, but when I fit on the seat with my brother, it was amazing. Everything with him was amazing because he was my joy.

Most of my ability to adapt as a kid later on was because of my need to ride that train with him. It turns out, I’m quite sensitive to motion and eventually roller coasters would be torture. Eventually the opening roller coaster in the AMC movie theater preview would make me have to close my eyes.

It progressively got harder to ride that Christmas train. This year, I feel very alone and some of it is by choice. Some is by necessity. All of “it” misses Christmas.